It’s New Year’s Day and I drive to Walden along quiet roads. The beach is bare when I arrive and the water is chattering teeth. Ice, rocked by wind and waves is gnawing at the sand.
For a moment I forget about the message I wrote last time I was here. It was Christmas Day and I was missing Jesi so I wrote it into the sand and placed her picture beside it. Now it is New Year’s Day and I am still missing Jesi.
The year has turned and she is one year further in my past.
I want to find her again so I walk, head bowed, scanning the sand looking for a sign.
I find none.
Perhaps water and the wind have swelled around her and carried her away.
The wind races past my ears burning them with cold and I bury my face further into my scarf.
Jesi’s angel face is nowhere to be seen.
I am hoping to find it etched into immortal ice. But what if I find it sodden and trodden into sand?
I stop searching.
When I return to the main beach the urge to look takes over again.
I can not help it, though I keep imagining how I might feel if I find it soiled with sand.
A couple of times I think I see it. But it turns out to be a ziplock bag not even the size of her face or a tissue scrunched and sprinkled.
Then I realize I do not want to find it. I want Jesi’s photo to have vanished with as much mystery as her body did that day just over three months ago.