New Year’s Day Searching

It’s New Year’s Day and I drive to Walden along quiet roads. The beach is bare when I arrive and the water is chattering teeth. Ice, rocked by wind and waves is gnawing at the sand.

the water is chattering teeth

the water is chattering teeth

For a moment I forget about the message I wrote last time I was here. It was Christmas Day and I was missing Jesi so I wrote it into the sand and placed her picture beside it. Now it is New Year’s Day and I am still missing Jesi.
The year has turned and she is one year further in my past.

I want to find her again so I walk, head bowed, scanning the sand looking for a sign.
I find none.
Perhaps water and the wind have swelled around her and carried her away.

perhaps the water has swelled around her and carried her away

perhaps the water has swelled around her and carried her away

The wind races past my ears burning them with cold and I bury my face further into my scarf.
Jesi’s angel face is nowhere to be seen.
I am hoping to find it etched into immortal ice. But what if I find it sodden and trodden into sand?

etched in ice

etched in ice

I stop searching.

When I return to the main beach the urge to look takes over again.
I can not help it, though I keep imagining how I might feel if I find it soiled with sand.
A couple of times I think I see it. But it turns out to be a ziplock bag not even the size of her face or a tissue scrunched and sprinkled.

Then I realize I do not want to find it. I want Jesi’s photo to have vanished with as much mystery as her body did that day just over three months ago.

the mystery of life vanishing

the mystery of life vanishing

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