I cry..still. This morning I cried into coffee, so by the time I get to Walden I am dried up. But today, swimming, I think I will make it back to shore only crying on land. I am wrong.
I swim with friends who understand. We swim down the flank of Walden. The water cools, so it is the best this way now. It is, after all, October.
I edge out toward the center. Watching the shore drift further and further away. The waves beat and butt my head but I am happy. Sometimes I want swimming to reflect my life. Sometimes it does.
The image of Jesi, an angel, watches from above. The image of Jesi, my buddha child, her eyes closed, her face serene.
There is nothing easy about loss. Even if you look from the spirit inside yourself. There is little consolation at times.
I swim, stroke after stroke, the water telling me to go on. Jesi would want that. Keep living where she could not.
I am almost home now. And I marvel I have not cried.
Then it happens. The screaming into water echoing bubbles. The short snorting breaths, water up my nose, from one breath into the next, the flood inside my goggles. Tears sloshing lenses. Turmoil. Is it wind? Is it waves? Is it loss in me?
I cry into bubbles blowing desperate sobs, Jesi you can’t have left us.
Four weeks now is forever. And she is forever lost.