Since Jesi left my friends have propped me up….they meet me in the car park, hug me, and listen to my stories of grief as we walk down the ramp. I watch the water, the only thing I know that while moving, soothes me….Life doesn’t stand still and I want more than anything to reel it back to a time when Jesi was young, playing Marco Polo in the shallows of Walden with Kari her twin, their friends and Chris her older brother a little further out jumping and splashing and throwing balls to them.
But summer is gone and so is Jesi from being among us.
When I swim out into the vast bowl of Walden, her womb that has held me through divorce, winter, and now death, I feel Jesi there…..She was never able to strengthen her kid like swimming skills (or perhaps she did not want to) enough to come with me into the center of the pond….her tweens and teens taken from her by leukemia, but she loved the pond as I do. Because I do….and that was the first of her extraordinary qualities…….. How many sixteen year olds would love something because it meant so much to their mother?…
I feel Jesi’s spirit hovering over Walden, expanding from shore to shore. Her enormous spirit stretched like clouds across a winded sky. I feel her swimming by my side. Sometimes I think I capture a glimpse of her light, white and pure and dancing in the shallows before the deep green dark below.
Then, as lithely as she came, she is gone again. And I am alone.
I am alone wondering what spirit is and whether in her spirit life someone loves her, cares for her as I did….four long years of leukemia and bone marrow transplant. Her last days, over one hundred of them, spent in hospital. Either me or her dad being with her day and night.
And as I heave my way, silent sobbing breath and bubble-blowing across the pond, my faith is tested.
My faith and my belief in all that is intangible. As Jesi is to me now.