I walked out onto Walden because I had to. Something was calling me. Like summer, when I am pulled into her soul. To where she hides under water.
I stopped for only a moment to consider the ice. How thick might it be? How safe?
The ice fishermen were out. A good sign.
I followed their tracks through the snow. Soft powder dampening the slip of ice’s sharp crunch. Out past two fishermen. Out past the lone fisherman on the middle of the pond.
I wanted to keep going. To have the courage, the carefree world propel me further. Out, out as far as I could see. To reach the other shore.
But I could not. Responsibility held me back.
I remember why I have come here.
To talk to Buddha. To ask that my daughter, her life interrupted by suffering in her physical body, be strong. Be safe. That the cancer, the bone marrow that has weakened beyond repair, be enough to see her through. Until she can get new cells to grow within.
I pray. Om Ah Hum. The mantra for protection. Remembering how I swam across the pond last summer. The crumbling clays of altar pieces shedding my swimsuit.
I bent toward her heart. This Walden.
My knees. Closer to her soul.
My heart. Her heart.
And felt the silent air embrace me.
In the last few entries i have written about my 15 year old daughter’s current struggles with the return of the leukemia she suffered in 2010. If you would like to follow her story more closely I have started a new blog called Relapse to Recovery.
It can be found at http://newstart4jesi.wordpress.com.
As always, I sincerely thank you for reading my blog.